Dear Reader
The past few days have set me thinking seriously about relationships. Pride Month makes me wonder even more about the changing dynamics of relationships, especially as spouses. Acceptance calls for celebration and happiness and rejection plunges one down the dark ally of loneliness and other similar emotions. (Sometimes, rejection is the answer to many situations. And acceptance is the only practical solution!) Remember Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina whose opening sentence is one of the most poignant lines 'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way". On a more mundane level, the journey from being rejected to self-acceptance is arduous. Forget serious relationship issues or self-triggered identity crises; birthdays can be depressingly realistic 😀
On a serious note, the chaos and the debilitating experiences of rejection, especially the marital relationship, are painful, to say the least. And we mostly hear one-sided crib that is usually an exercise of emphatic self-righteous indulgence "I did everything to salvage this relationship, but the other person was ungratefully unresponsive to all my efforts!!" Seriously?! Do you spot who the 'inconsiderate' one is in this monologue?!!
ATTENTION PLEASE: The thing about a marital relationship is that there are two people involved! Two people have chosen to travel together. Firstly, remember the safety of your co-traveller means securing your safety--emotional, physical and financial. Taking care of each other, respect, and freedom are quintessential. Secondly, though marriage is a 'relationship' with the other person, the primary relationship is with oneself. Clarity of what's central to you- as an individual, to your value system, what's acceptable and what's not--is imperative. An inviolable idea of what you expect from the relationship is paramount.
And a thought for your discretion: that ancient arrow of Cupid- 'love', is not THE only ingredient for a successful relationship. Sorry, our understanding of that emotion is so personalised, confused and confusing that it is better to leave it be where it is--in poetry, which provides a highly contextualised perspective!!
The truth, actually a facet of relationships, is that the emotional participation of partners in everyday life nurtures a relationship. This is true of marital relationships. That's why it deserves (or commands) a worthy act every day. Sustaining a matrimonial alliance is hard for both the wife and the husband. It is unsparing in its demand for attention and acknowledgement of marriage.
Here are a few rainbow bubbles that need a needle.
Disclaimer 1: love is in the air, so proceed with caution! Love is the oxygen on which the world runs. But Relationships always work forever in progress! So, enjoy hard work.
Disclaimer 2: The alternative to Cupid's arrow is not Midas!! Being practical is different from being greedy, right? But, yes, who can fathom the way of the world and what fuels a relationship?!
Disclaimer 3: Glory be to unconditional love, but respect 'sharing is caring' be it kitchen work, groceries and other daily household chores. Zero tolerance for sexism here!! A marital relationship means being a family. Families don't run on "Love only"; everyone needs to eat, work and survive together. This is a gentle reminder that to strike a middle path of life is yet another acrobatic skyline to walk!!
Disclaimer 4: Agree and create significant practical decisions. Men and women, please keep a little money aside for yourself. It is not a sin to save something for yourself, even when you are family!! It gives you personal space and freedom and little something if you want to surprise your partner with a special gift. Rom-com is the favoured film genre for some reason, you bet 👫!!
Disclaimer 4: Where 'I' go, 'Ego' follows and 'we' end!! It does not mean one compromises endlessly (irrespective of your role--wife or husband) It is the medicine for failure. There is a thin line between 'self-respect', 'pride' and 'ego'. Tread that line with caution. NO compromise on 'self-respect', be careful of 'pride' and 'ego' has no place if 'we' have to exist. And this is for both partners; like sacrificing one's desire or interest does not always work, 'submissiveness' also does not work. How to acrobat this skyline is with the imagination of all concerned and involved💚
Disclaimer 5: Saying 'Sorry' solves many interpersonal problems. In India, we always feel and think action is more important than words. It is. So, we never say sorry. I agree mere words are of no use. But saying 'I am sorry' is the balm that relieves the pain. Accept and ensure a change of behaviour. This much is worth it if you value your relationship.
Disclaimer 6: Most importantly, the traditional ethical codes of fidelity, truthfulness and integrity are charming and definitely in fashion. Marriages are made in heaven, but it is lived here on Earth. So the ground rules are of the Earth and not of the heavens.
These are some fundamental beginner's guidelines for a healthy relationship and the auspicious time is now💚💚 Little wonder OSHO said: "Rise, not fall, in Love". It demands maturity and adulthood to tend to the relationship. Enjoy cultivation 👫👪 !
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